Shadows, Guns, Pride, and the Hawk
by OwlCookies XD
Summary: "You're hundreds of years older than Edward and I and yet… you're so much shorter. Is it in your genes? Is being old and short in your genes? And if I recall correctly, aren't you the oldest homunculus?" riza/pride 100 taunting themes
1. Genes

**OwlCookies: omg so yknow those 100 edwin themes or 100 royai themes or watnot? Well im making this fanfic kinda like tht… only its not necessarily a pairing… 100 Riza Hawkeye and Selim Bradley(Pride) Taunting themes ^.^ no romance! Royai all the way!**

**And I don't kno if they already have themes like this already… but if they do… TOO BAD.**

**XXXX**

Theme 1: Genetics

Riza Hawkeye was sitting at a table, sipping her tea gently as she eyed the young –not really- boy before her. He too, was sipping tea and eyeing _her_. Mrs. Bradley was looking back and forth, smiling warmly.

"Oh dear," she said. "We're almost out of tea. Please, darlings, stay here. I'll be back with some more." Quickly, Mrs. Bradley got up and scurried away with the empty kettle of tea.

When the Fuhrer's wife was completely out of earshot, Selim spoke up.

"As I was saying," he began in his metallic-like voice. "I'll seriously kill you if you tell your precious Colonel about me."

Riza put her tea cup down. "He's not stupid." She cocked her head a bit. "Not _completely_ stupid, I mean. But back to the point, he _will_ learn the truth about you." Riza took a second to sip the remainder of her tea. "So, how old are you?" she asked, changing the subject.

"That doesn't concern y-" He was interrupted.

Mrs. Bradley came scurrying back with a steaming kettle. She grinned as she saw the fake smiles on Riza and Selim's faces.

"What were you talking about?" she asked, trying to join in on the conversation.

"I was wondering how old your son was," Riza replied honestly.

When Mrs. Bradley wasn't looking, Selim shot her a look. He kneeled on his chair and reached for the tea kettle. With the aid of his shadows, he quickly tipped the tea kettle onto the floor. He gasped in horror.

"Oopsie!" he exclaimed.

Mrs. Bradley smiled as Selim attempted to wipe the dripping tea. "No, no, Selim. Don't worry about it. I'll get someone to clean it up."

When she had left the room, Selim used his shadows to lock the door. "Foolish woman," he scowled.

"Really," Riza said. "How old are you?"

Selim rolled his eyes. "Over 400. That's all I'm going to tell you."

Riza chuckled mischievously. Oh how she enjoyed her thought. "You're so old… yet… so short," she taunted. "You're hundreds of years older than Edward and I and yet… you're so much shorter. Is it in your genes? Is being old and short in your genes? And if I recall correctly, aren't you the _oldest_ homunculus? Aren't Envy, Lust, and Gluttony taller than you?"

"What?" Selim hissed. "My height and age doesn't matter. I am _Pride_."

"Well I must have hurt you when I called you short. You don't like that do you? Here, stand up _Pride_."

Even when Selim didn't stand up, Riza pulled him out of his chair and made him stand up. "See? You're a third of my size. Look how short you are. And you're so _old_. What's this?" She mockingly pulled up a tuft of his hair. "Do I see gray hair?"

Selim slapped her hand away. "Don't touch me!"

"So now you're a germaphobe?" Riza taunted. "Is that _also_ in your genes?"

"We weren't made through genetics!" Selim scowled.

Riza tapped her chin. "Ah, yes. That's right. Of course it isn't in your genes. No one else in your family is so _short_."

"GAAHHH!" Selim shouted in irritation.

**XXXX**

**OwlCookies: it probably isn't tht funny :P becuz this is humor and somewat crack, expect oocness…**


	2. Gun Threat

Theme 2: Gun Threat

"I'm watching you, Hawww-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Pride exclaimed as he turned the corner to face the barrel of Riza's gun directly before his eyes. His eyes wandered up to the taller woman and saw an evil look cross her face.

"Follow my exact directions and I won't shoot," Riza commanded.

Pride snorted. "Please, Hawkeye. Your bullets won't affect me."

"Oh, no. These aren't mortal bullets. These are specially made bullets designed to shoot an anti-philosophers stone virus into your body. And we _both_ know what will happen if the philosophers stone is gone from your body." Riza grinned evilly.

… ._."

… B3

… O_o

"You serious?" Pride asked, somewhat believing what she had just said. His was response was only silence with an even wider grin.

"Would you like me to test it out on you?" Riza retorted, shoving her gun directly onto Pride's forehead.

"AHHH! NO. NO." Instinctively, Pride used his shadows and sliced Riza's gun in half, getting the tip of her finger in the process.

"Great. You broke my gun."

As if on cue, purple gooey stuff began dripping out from the gun. Pride's mouth opened in astonishment.

"Hey! You lied!" he gasped.

Riza rolled her eyes. "Kid, that's kind of the point." She chuckled slightly. "Did I say kid? Whoops, I meant, old and short man."

Pride scowled. "Now you have gotten on my bad side! Face my wrath!" He shouted.

There was a knock on the door. Following the knock, Mrs. Bradley stepped in, looking surprised.

"Selim dear, are you playing with Miss Hawkeye again? She's awfully busy, I don't think she wants you playing with her right now." Mrs. Bradley then looked at Hawkeye. "I do apologize."

Riza gave Mrs. Bradley a smile. "He's no trouble at all. In fact, I was just on my break." She began patting Pride's head. Every pat grew rougher and harder.

When Mrs. Bradley left and closed the door, Pride's shadows wrapped themselves around Riza. "Stop patting my head," he growled.

Riza smirked. "Who's going to make me?"


	3. Shadows

Theme 3: Shadows

"Sir… Did you dim the lights? It's gotten awfully dim… here…" Riza said cautiously.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Lieutenant. It's perfectly bright here."

Riza and Roy were eating lunch together in the cafeteria mess hall thing. But for some strange reason, Riza felt as if the room got darker. Feeling slightly vexed that she seemed to be the only one noticing this; she quickly finished her food and headed outside to see if it would get any brighter.

"I must be getting old… maybe it's my eyes?" she thought to herself out loud.

There were footsteps behind her. Quickly, Riza turned back only to see nothing out of the ordinary. This was getting freaky…

When she was completely outside, she heard footsteps again.

"Seriously, stop stalking me whoever you are. I have problems to attend to," she sighed. But the footsteps continued. "SERIOUSLY!" Riza spun around and faced Pride in his shadow form. "Dang your ugly."

"What! What do you possible mean? I'm _awesome_!" Pride protested.

"No… You look real ugly right there…" Riza sniggered.

"No I don't! Shut up!"

Riza then noticed how his shadows were looming overhead. "So _that's_ why it's so dark!" Riza exclaimed, a light bulb totally like, turning on. "You can stop now."

"Who's going to make me?" Pride retorted.

"Your mom." (I was so tempted to write chumom xD –oc)

"…" Pride gasped in horror. "You wouldn't dare! I _just_ got in trouble for making my shirt dirty!" he whined.

"I _do_ dare," Riza chuckled evilly. "No you go and get your ugly shadowy self out of my way or I'll call your mom." She took a gun from… the air..? And uh… she pointed it at him looking menacing. "Or… do you want me to shoot you with anti-philosopher stone bullets?" she threatened.

"Those bullets were just paint!"

"You don't know that…"

"Uh, _yeah_ I _do_. I _touched _the liquid, genius." Pride snorted, rolling his eyes. He refused to call of his shadows. "And if you call Wrath's wife, what's your alibi hmm?" He had a Cheshire-cat face.

"I could tell her that you're distracting my work. And I see. Because you touched the anti-philosopher stone bullet's contents, you're ugly. That explains it." Riza nodded nonchalantly.

"I'm not ugly!"

"Yes… You are."

**XXXX**

**OwlCookies: bwahah poor pride :P riza's insulting him a ton**


	4. Telephone

**OwlCookies: because I am THAT much of a squealy royai fangirl, I HAD to add tht first paragraph B3 *sighs* it takes restrain from adding an overkill amount of royai ._."**

**XXXX**

Theme 4: Telephone

Riza was in the middle of a wonderful dream about *cough* ROY MUSTANG! *cough* when she was (sadly) awoken by the ringing of the telephone. Sighing (sadly), Riza got up out of bed and walked over the where the phone was. Considering the time, Riza was pretty sure it was the bartender calling about Roy being drunk. She picked up the phone (and continued to hope her assumption was true).

"Hello?"

"I'm going to kill you…"

"What…?"

"You suck. The point in this phone call is for you too freak out and run around screaming! Haven't you watched the video?"

Riza rolled her eyes, (sadly) realizing that it was Pride. "It's the middle of the night _Selim_," she sighed (obviously irritated that it wasn't Roy). "Good_night_." She quickly hung up the phone.

A few seconds later, the phone rang again. "_What_?" Riza spat.

"Yeah, hey. This is the bartender… Your superior dude is here… uhm… passed out…."

Riza faked a groan. "Alright," she groaned (feeling blissful inside), "I'll be there in a few minutes."

She hung up only to find the phone ringing again. Rolling her eyes, (but still happy) Riza picked up the phone.

"I finally know how the phone tone thing sounds like! It's like this buzzing… beeping thing! It's called an end tone right? It sounds so funny! Oh hey, you busy tomorrow? Oh wait. Hahaha! You _are_! Because my younger brother, Wrath, is your superior and I can make him make you all busy! What's this? You're out to go pick up your one true love, Roy Mustang? Oooh! He's drunk right? If he makes a move on you, are you going to push him away? I bet you're going to let him. Too bad Wrath's making you work so hard. You can't be with your one true love. You must be like, devastated, right? Well mwahahah! That's too bad! That's what the bad guys do… You realize that right? Well you should. It's pretty important. Oh yeah, well back to the point. What are you going to do tomorrow? I have plans for you. I'm gonna… Hey… Wait! End tone! Hawkeye? Were'd you go? It's not polite to hang up without saying goodbye! _Haawwkkeeyeee!_" Little did Pride know, Riza had an end tone recording and was playing the recording to the phone. Finally though, she hung up.

Riza rolled her eyes. "Stupid little brat." (I was SO tempted to write "firetrucking chum nugget."-oc)

**XXXX**

**OwlCookies: I just realizezd tht ive been posting 2 chapters per day :P**

**These will mostly like be updated twice a day or just daily… if I skip a day its cuz im busy**


	5. Candy Land

**OwlCookies: forget whut I said last chapter about the updation…**

**XXXX**

Theme 5: Candy Land

"Nuff said."

"So tell me, Hawkeye. Why is it you volunteered to _babysit_ me today?" Pride asked, scowling as he looked down at himself. He was in a neon pink bunny suit. It was neon pink because, according to Riza, he would stand out and would be easy to spot. "And _why_ am I in the vulgar looking _bunny suit_?"

"Because," Riza replied. "I want the Fuhrer to give me a raise."

"…You're joking… right?" Pride asked.

"Yes," Riza replied, rolling her eyes.

"But really, why am I in a bunny suit?"

"Because you can be… And, it looks adorable on you." Riza said that last statement with absolutely no facial expression whatsoever. "And because I'm taking you to a theme park."

"I'm too old to be going to theme parks!" Pride protested.

"You sure are short enough to," the lieutenant scoffed.

Pride scowled. She was still on that.

Soon, the two arrived at a chained fence labeled "Candy Land" in bright, flashing, neon lights with cotton candy and a bunch of oversized lollipops everywhere. Little kids scampered about, bumping into Pride, giddily. Everywhere he looked, he saw chubby, drooling, and _disgusting_ children; likewise to the adults who find the children as bundles of joy and energy.

"Feh," Pride spat. "These kids are disgusting."

"You're not any better," Riza retorted.

"You know what?"

"You exploded?"

"NO! Screw you."

Pride walked ahead of Riza… in a straight line. Every time a kid would bump into him, he'd death glare them and shout, "HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" This caused all the little kids to run off, crying. Soon, all the kids stopped bumping into Pride. This ruined his fun. So when a kid was running _near_ him, Pride would slowly inch into their direction and roughly bump past them. He then would glare at them and shout, "HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Again, little kids cried, running away.

After awhile of this, Riza grabbed Pride by the bunny ears and dragged him away to an entertainment booth colored with pink and white stripes. Inside were board games. They were all board games called "Candy Land." Riza put the board game on a vacant table and forced the pink bunny suited Pride to sit down.

"So." Pride glared at her. "We're in the theme park Candy Land and we're playing the board game Candy Land? That's stupid."

"Say's the one dressed up as a _neon_ pink bunny rabbit," Riza scoffed. "While I on the other hand, am dressed up _normally_." She had a challenging look.

Someone tapped her shoulder; Riza turned around. "Excuse, miss?" the woman asked. "Is that your son?"

"No. I'm babysitting him for the Fuhrer," Riza replied.

"Ah well, he bumped into my son and made him cry…" the woman said, nervously might I add.

"Pr- I mean… Selim, please apologize to him," Riza smoothly said with a threatening glare not noticed by the other woman.

Pride frowned. He stood up and bowed to the boy. "I'm sorry."

The boy and his mother smiled. Then, they walked away. Pride rolled his eyes.

"Foolish humans. So easy to manipulate."

"Yeah. So obviously I'm not human because I manipulate _you_," Riza retorted.

"FOOL! LIES!" Pride protested.

"Says the little short and old boy wearing a neon pink bunny suit while playing Candy Land in Candy Land."

"GAAHHH!"


	6. Who What When Where… Huh?

**OwlCookies: phef! I haven't updated this in a few days… a week? Lol I dunno. But if u read my/xploding bunnies/partner IN crime XD 's stories, u wud kno tht we have a SERIOUS case of writers block and tht we haven't updated much in… months… since… the awesome 7****th**** grade went bye bye :( oh well. To bad.**

**XXXX**

**Who, what, I don't know, why, because, tomorrow, today, naturally, I don't care**

Theme 6: Who What When Where… Huh? /Confusion

After seeing her superior officer play this prank on Ed, Riza decided to be a little mischievous herself and play the same prank on Pride, hoping he hadn't seen/heard what Roy had done to Ed.

"I spilled your secret to a few friends of mine," Riza admitted to Pride.

"You _WHAT_?" he exclaimed furiously.

"Let's play a game. If you can guess which friends I told, you can go ahead and kill them. But I'll be naming them with nicknames. You'll have to guess what there nickname is as well. Do you want to play?"

Pride smirked. "I'm the best there is at any game. Lay it on me, Hawkeye."

"First, let me give you some information."

"Go ahead."

"Who is my best friend, What is my neighbor, and I don't know is the woman across the street-"

"Wait… what?" Pride interjected.

"Who is my best friend, What is my neighbor-" Riza replied slowly. "I thought you were good a games. Do I have to repeat myself even slower?" she smirked.

"No! I _am_ good at games! Fine," Pride huffed. "What did you say?"

"What's my neighbor."

"…DON'T ASK _ME_! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TELLING ME!"

"I am telling you. Oh, I see how it is. You _aren't _good at games. Liar. Maybe you should be Liar instead of Pride."

Pride scowled. "Alright, start again."

"Who's my best friend."

"I don't know-"

"is the woman across the street."

"What?"

"My neighbor."

"Who's your neighbor?"

"No! Who's my best friend!"

"I don't know! Who's your best friend?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Where's what?"

"What?"

"My neighbor."

"Who's your neighbor?"

"I just told you! Who's my best friend and what's my neighbor!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE!"

"_No_, I don't know is the woman across the street!"

Pride hissed in irritation. "Fine. Lay off those people. Who are the other people?"

"Who's-"

"I GET IT! WHO'S YOUR NEIGHBOR!"

"Yes." Riza nodded.

"So your best friend is…"

"Who," Riza replied.

"Your best friend!"

"Who."

"The person you probably to talk a lot?"

"Who."

"It's the Rebecca lady, isn't it?"

"_Who_."

"GAH! YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE!" Pride facepalmed. "Putting aside those people. There are more people, right? Who are they?"

"No, Who's my-"

"BEST FRIEND! YES! I GET IT! STAY OFF THAT AND TELL ME THE OTHER PEOPLE'S NAMES!"

"Why-"

"I DON'T KNOW! BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

"I don't know's the woman across the street," Riza said matter-of-factly.

"GAH! TELL ME THE NAME OF THE OTHER PERSON!"

"Why."

"BECAUSE!"

Riza expression lit up. "So you've met my cousin?"

"What no!"

"What's my neighbor."

Pride slid a hand down his face looking very exasperated. "Any other names you'd like to tell me?"

"Tomorrow."

"Why not now?"

"Why's my cousin."

"I DON'T KNOW YOUR COUSIN!"

"That's the woman across the street-"

"FORGET ABOUT HER!" Pride scowled. "Are you going to tell me today?"

"I'm telling you _now_."

"Then go on and tell me!"

"Tomorrow."

"What time?"

"What time what?"

"What time will you tell me tomorrow?"

"I'm not telling you anything tomorrow."

"What…?"

"My neighbor. Sheesh, Pride."

"Fine. Let's say I know all your buddies. Who and I go eat lunch together when what comes along and joins us. I don't know thinks I'm a weirdo and tells why about tomorrow. And _why_ she does that? I DON'T CARE!"

"Oh, so you've meet my landlady?"

"GAAHHH! I DON'T CARE WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND OR WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR NEIGHBOR BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THIS IS ALL IRRITATING!"

"Naturally."

"Naturally?"

"Naturally," Riza repeated.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

"Which means you're stupid."

"You know what's stupid?"

"No, what's actually very smart."

"… SCREW THIS ALL!" Pride stormed out.

When he left, Riza chuckled to herself. "He's not very bright. Even Edward understood this joke. Well, I suppose it's only _natural_ for Pride." Again, Riza chuckled. This time, it was because of that pun.

**XXXX**

**OwlCookies: have u ever watched "who's on first" or read "who's the alchemist?" I thot those wer sooo funny B3**


	7. Fuhrer Wrath

**OwlCookies: sorry I haven't updated in awhile… gomen…**

**XXXX**

Theme 7: Fuhrer Wrath

"If you don't behave today, I'll have to punish you with two options," Riza told Pride. "One option is going back to Candyland." Pride shuddered at that option. "Or option two, I'll tell on your parents." Pride smirked at that.

"My Father wouldn't care. In fact, he'll be happy I made your day suck."

"Oh? Is that so?" Riza asked, challenging that fact.

"Yes. It _is_ so."

"Let's test out that theory." Quietly, she walked out the door. When she came back, the Fuhrer was with her.

"Ah, Hawkeye. I understand your point. Little Selim _can_ be a nuisance." The Fuhrer chuckled. "Nonetheless, he is still very young."

Riza whispered into his ear. When she drew back, the Fuhrer glared at Pride.

"Now, Selim, I do understand I can be irritating, but there's no need to tell them Papa's secret."

"What are you talking about, father?" Pride shot a glare in Hawkeye's direction.

"You weren't supposed to reveal that I was Wrath, the homunculus," the Fuhrer growled.

Riza stifled a laugh and a gasp.

"_Fuhrer sir, Selim told me that you were a homunculus," _she had whispered to the Fuhrer.

She didn't know that was true… But… Wow! Riza had something to tell the colonel!

"I'll have to punish you." Wrath then turned to Riza. "Uhm… Please give us a moment."

"Yes sir." Riza saluted and walked out.

Outside the room, she pressed her ear against the door and listened.

"You _failed_," Wrath told Pride.

"I didn't tell her anything. Why would I?"

"You're getting old, Pride."

"I'D LIKE TO SAY THE SAME THING FOR YOU!"

"No, no. Come here, as your 'father' I have to punish you. Now pull down your pants."

"Wh-What?"

"You heard me, pull down y our pants."

"Stupid Wrath, no!"

"I'll do it for you."

"Gr… Fine."

"Cry all you want after this."

Riza heard a few whipping sounds and assumed that Wrath must be whipping Pride… well… you know… back there… She then chucked to herself. "I'll leave the two of you to that."


	8. Black Hayate

Theme 8: Black Hayate

Riza was walking back home from the grocery store with Black Hayate. Suddenly, Hayate began whining. Riza looked down.

"What's wrong, boy?" she asked him.

Black Hayate continued to whine as he pointed his muzzle at a strange looking shadow. Riza sighed.

"Pride. I can't play hide and seek with you. I'm busy."

The shadow glowed and Pride appeared looking very annoyed. "How am I supposed to torture you when you can predict every move I make?" he growled.

"I don't. You're just an obvious person," Riza retorted.

"Then maybe I should kill your precious colonel."

"…No. You might want to take a bath first." Riza couldn't help but chuckle.

"Why do you say… Oh no. On _shoot_. He did _not_ just do that," Pride scowled.

Both eyes saw the scene. Black Hayate had taken this opportunity to relieve himself on Pride's shadow which dripped down his pants and on his shoe.

Outraged, Pride stormed away. "One day, Riza Hawkeye! I _will_ get you back!"

"I'll be waiting a long time for that day," Riza chuckled. Then, she looked down at Hayate who had his tongue out happily. She bent down to pet him. "Good boy. You're a good boy. All that training worked! You'll get an extra treat today!" Hayate looked up at her happily. "And you even managed to pull down his fly in the process. You're a _very_ good boy."


End file.
